I am supposed to present at the board meeting in a few hours but my brain can't focus on work right now. Instead I go home and call my sister who is already at the small hospital and she is crying. They don't think he will survive! They need to transport him to UW Hospital if he is going to have any chance at all! He may not survive the ride though!
I tell my sister that I will meet her at UW Hospital.
Disbelief. . .but not, desire to support my sister at least,
frustration by the dysfunction of our family.
I was joined by his two daughters, his estranged wife and my sister. We spend the night answering questions about him, about his life style (not good)...and we listen as they tell us that they don't know how long his brain went without oxygen, whether there is any brain activity at all or how much damage has been done to his heart. They prepped us to say good bye. Anger at him for not caring enough to see how people loved him and belief that he had been fortunate to die an easy death.
We all went home when he was as stable as he was going to get so that we could get some much needed sleep. They asked if we wanted them to restart his heart if it stopped again. We said "Don't do anything heroic." We reconvened early the next morning to find out that his heart had started beating on it's own and because of that, they proceeded with a procedure to place two stints into two blocked arteries. The surprise of that left us with a numbness of "Ok but what if there is no brain activity?" Cautious celebration and fear!
His daughters said, "We know that he hasn't been the best dad but he's the only dad we will ever have!" Yes, but if he can't be independent, in his own way, he will just be an angry bitter man and he will blame us. Yes but right now he's alive and we think he smiled when he heard our voices. Maybe, maybe not!
Anxiety, cautious hope?
Seemingly short time passes and, yes indeed, he is aware. He can squeeze our hands when we ask. He wants to talk but tubes won't allow. Shortly after, the heart pump is disconnected. His heart is pumping on it's own! They are saying that he is a miracle man. "You know, he died twice!" Quickly, too quickly, they are ready to dismiss him from the hospital. How can this be? This is the man that you said died twice just a couple of days ago and now you are ready to send him to another facility? Why yes...he is very fortunate...they found a bed available at a rehab hospital. He'll be just fine there. They will help him with his memory and physical therapy.
New anxiety, fear, guarded thankfullness!
One week into rehab and his long term memory is solid. His short term memory is coming back. He walks, a bit unstable but yet he walks. He dislikes hospital food and he's vocal about it! The old curmudgeon is coming back! We have told him repeatedly about the details of his heart attack. He doesn't remember from time to time though. He has been told that he can no longer drink and smoke if he wants to live. He's listening...maybe!
Resolution that his is going to live...
A weekend pass and word that he is too good to stay in rehab after tomorrow!!! What? Three weeks since the day he "died" and now he is going home? Well, brother, you are a walking miracle! You were brought back here for a reason. There is something more you are to do with your life! "What is it do you think?" he asks. I don't know brother but as for me it's already happened. You brought our family together again in the same room. You gave your daughters time to realize what you have meant to them...even though...and you made me realize that you are indeed loved not just by them but by me as well!
Second chances are opportunities to make things right!
Cautious hope but acceptance (of him) too!
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